People have been sharing all these stories about the brokeness they feel after having failed to stay abstinent, and I thought that my story may encourage someone. I've prayed that God can use my past (and my present and future) to bless and encourage others.
I was born into what seems like a pretty perfect family. My father met my mother while he was a missionary, and God revealed to them that they were suppose to marry. I am the oldest of their three children and was raised nearly my entire life in Christian school and church.
When I reached my teens, I saw an episode of 19 Kids and Counting where the eldest son said that he and his then fiancee were waiting until the day they married for their first kiss, and I fell in love with the idea. The thought of only ever kissing "the one" and your very first kiss being shared on one of the most special days of your life seemed so romantic. I made up my mind that I wasn't ever going to date (nor was I allowed to) , I was just going to wait until God revealed to me the one like he did for my parents.
By the time I was sixteen, I was working part time at a local restaurant. A new boy started... He was cute and sweet, we liked the same music. He like me, I liked him, and we started dating. Since my parents didn't allow me to date, I began to lie about the time I was starting and getting off of work. And I lied more, and more. Everything was turning into a lie. One day I broke my vow and gave that boy my first kiss. Then within a few weeks my parents found out about the relationship, when they got a call saying that their daughter needed to be picked up at Sonic where she had been found in the back of a car making out with a boy... Oh they were angry, hurt, betrayed... but I didn't care. They made me quit my job and forbade me from seeing him, but behind their back I was still contacting him. A few months later I was home because I had just had my tonsils removed. I decided to drive up and visit him, figuring I could get back with plenty of times so my parents wouldn't know. He lived out in a maze of dirt roads, that I wasn't use to driving on... I ended up rolling my car into a ditch, and watched my life flash before my eyes. I came out of it without a scratch, but with a rather large dent in my car. I drove home and I knew I had to tell my parents the truth. I couldn't hide the dent. When they asked me where I had been, all my resolved left and I lied. They saw the dent and questioned me and I owned up to what had happened. Again they forbade me from seeing him, I finally broke it off with him since I could see the pain it was causing for my family.
Within a few months we were back together. My parents were reluctantly allowing me to date him, as they were more worried about what I do behind their back if they didn't. But this time, things took a turn for the worse. He started talking about sexual things. Things that I had barely known about and that weren't part of my world, but I was drawn in. We started having oral sex which eventually led to just plain sex. I would go home and cry and be disgusted with myself. At school during our worship period, I couldn't praise God because I knew he knew my dirty little secret. I would vow to stop and make my boyfriend promise to, and within a few days we were at it again. Emotionally I was a wreck. He was constantly jealous and forbade me to talk to other boys, and I was feeling lost, I had turned into someone I didn't recognize.
I reached out to God for comfort. The healing began, but I knew that I could never be free of it until I broke it off with this boy. So I did, he cried and threatened to kill himself. But through it all, I stayed strong.
I didn't date again. I knew I couldn't fall back into that trap. I was free from this boy, but not from my past. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep because of how guilty and ashamed I felt. I had asked God for forgiveness, and I knew he had forgiven me, but I was still haunted by my deeds. I didn't blame the boy for leading me astray. I tried to, but I knew that I was the one who had failed. Finally one day several months ago, I was watching videos by Jeff Bethke (the guy from the video "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus"). I came across a video where Jeff talks about how if Hitler had asked God for forgiveness, God would not have only forgive him but he would have wiped his sin clean. See, I had always looked at forgiveness on the human level. I did something wrong, I apologize and you forgive me. But God's forgiveness doesn't work like that. I do something wrong, I ask for forgiveness, he forgives me AND he forgets it. When God forgives, it's like it never happened.
So to all those out there, who are struggling with guilt and shame, I want you to know that if you repented, God sees you as pure, spotless white. You are a brand new canvas, the first page of a story. You are new and you are beautiful/handsome in his eyes.
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